"Brett Ratner and Mariah Carey will Save Christmas"

Like the Christmas star that found its way to the baby Jesus as he lay among the asses, so “All I Want For Christmas Is You” star Mariah Carey has found her way to Brett Ratner, with the two partnering on a new holiday movie for New Line. The film, still to be developed by Ratner’s The Family Man writers David Diamond and David Weissman, is intended to have a “major role” for Carey—a statement that has long been considered a threat for viewers of Glitter or WiseGirls, and a dare for director Lee Daniels. And now it is a glad tiding of the season, for those who are drunk and have already watched every terrible holiday movie on Hallmark and Lifetime.
Deadline reports that the plot is still being kept secret, under wraps from those smug wiseacres who would presume to know what a Christmas movie might be about. However, it assures us that “the holiday is at the film’s center, along with a theme of how the power of music can transport you back in time to your truest and most authentic feelings.” For example, the way hearing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” can immediately take you back to December days spent tussling through department stores, and confirm that you truly, authentically hate that goddamn song.

In addition to that goddamn song, the film will also feature other goddamn songs from different artists, ensuring the world won’t go a year without another unnecessary CD compilation of Christmas standards. Make plans now to buy it in next year’s crowded department store, while listening to “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

According to Deadline, the pitch came about when Carey—recently rumored to be dating Ratner—brought him her idea “for a movie about Christmas,” proving that there are worse things they could be doing together. If it’s a success, it could foretell a bright future for other Mariah Carey-suggested movies about vampires, cowboys, or World War II.

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